Rachel Killington, who works for a local radio station, last blogged about her preparations for a holiday in Paris. Where to begin? You may have realised that I haven’t blogged for quite some while. Whilst I’d love to say that it was because I’ve been far too busy enjoying myself, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want sympathy (I’ve had enough of that!) but since I returned from Paris all those weeks ago, my life as I knew it has literally crumbled. Paris was great. The weather was amazing, the sights and scenery were breathtaking and the alcohol was free flowing. Yet despite desperately wanting to enjoy myself, the whole time I was there, I had an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, akin to the calm before a storm. And what a storm that turned out to be. The day after I returned from the city of love, I became single again. The same day I also learned I was to become homeless. Neil decided that we should split up (something which, with hindsight I’m sure I really should have anticipated since things had been fairly strained whilst we were away), and his reasoning behind the decision was merely that it just 'wasn’t right for the future'. Despite a week of absolute heart wrenching agony, we met up for a drink and I tried to convince him otherwise. I honestly believed that he may change his mind, and it only intensified the complete and utter anguish I was feeling when he coldly informed me that his intentions for that particular evening were for us to 'find a new level'. At the same time I learned that the lease on the business I live above won’t be renewed, and my housemate intends on moving away, so in a short while I will effectively become homeless. You could say that it wasn’t the best of weeks for me. Keeping goingMay 2007 is a month I would hastily like to erase from my memory - the only plus was that the heartbreak diet is one of the best around, and I went from being a size 12 to a 6 in a few weeks. Going to work was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do - seeing Neil each day simply reminded me of what I had lost, and how lonely, angry and betrayed I felt, but I went in everyday, with my head held high and an (obviously fake) smile on my face, but there were times when I felt I just couldn’t get any lower. I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and writing about those times was just too difficult. It was like everything I had ever know to be solid and secure in my life had just slipped from my grasp, and It was like trying to hold water in the palm of you hand - however much I tried to cling on, it just didn’t work. Six weeks laterFast forward six weeks and it’s a different story. I’d love to say that actually I’m not going to be homeless, that Neil saw the light and changed his mind, and that everything has come up roses. The truth is that it hasn’t. I managed to throw myself wholeheartedly into my job, and despite a few wobbly moments (waterproof mascara is a Godsend!), it has gradually gotten easier for me to go to work everyday, despite knowing that Neil will be there, and that each time I see him my heart almost stops beating. The flat situation is very difficult. I quit my part-time job (in a spontaneous moment of independence) as I realised that I may as well make a 100% clean fresh start in life, and that my future career isn’t in a supermarket. But now it starts getting scary… I’m terrified that I won’t have enough money to find myself a place of my own, that the freelance work will dry up, and I’ll end up back at home with my parents and no money. I have put all my proverbial eggs in one basket, and if that basket suddenly gets knocked over or disappears completely, I’m really in trouble. But I’ve also become fiercely independent. I know that nothing in life is ever planned - that you don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it, and that everything happens for a reason. That fact is what I’ve been clinging to, because even though at the moment I’m terrified of what the future might bring, I believe that that ‘reason’ will present itself in time. I have to believe that because at the moment it’s what is keeping me going. ConsolationsThere have been positive points I have realised from the whole sorry affair though:I know that my dream career path isn’t just going to carve itself out in front of me - it’s up to me to go and find it, and I need to do all I can to get there. I have decided to be more positive, both personally and professionally, so have enrolled on a NCTJ distance learning course in Media Law. I am in the process of rekindling friendships and contacts with people I used to work with in the television industry, and I have looked up old friends I sadly lost contact with. I have also realised that I am a far stronger person than I ever thought I could be. On my last day at the supermarket, one of my colleagues told me something that took me aback. He told me that I was doing the right thing, that I should have done it far sooner, and that my career wasn’t destined to be cooking hot chickens for a living. He also told me that he had never met anyone as determined to get where they wanted to be in their career as me, and that if anybody could make it in the media industry, then I was the one to do that. It gave me the confidence boost to really think about my situation. The futureAt the moment for me it feels like my whole world has collapsed. Despite nights out and tea and sympathy the pain I’m feeling hasn’t eased at all. It feels like I’ve just jumped into a black hole and I have no idea how I’m going to land, if at all. I’ve lost my home, and the one person in my life that I had complete trust in, and loved with all my heart, and it hurts. But I still have a job I adore, and (hopefully) good career prospects, albeit temporary ones at the moment. I used to love planning for the future, but one lesson I’ve learnt the hard way is that it’s possibly a better idea to live each day as it comes. I honestly have no idea what the future holds for me, and although I find that terrifying, it has also opened up so many new opportunities for me, and I feel a sense of freedom because of that. I don’t know what will happen for me tomorrow, let alone next week, next month or next year, but that is also very exciting in a way, and although things are tough at the moment, I do believe that somehow, at some point they will get easier. Life is all about living each day as if it were your last, and I’m damn sure that I’m not going to stop doing that. No matter how terrified, miserable and lonely I feel right now, I know things will get easier. Because however much it rains, the sun always shines through the clouds eventually, and if you’re really lucky you might even get to see a rainbow. See Rachel's previous job logs: |
