Rachel's job log: 6

After redundancy and months of joblessness, Rachel Killington arrived at somewhere she wanted to be... the radio station.

Tuning in

Have you ever been worried sick whilst anticipating a situation then with hindsight laughed at yourself? Or have you been scared of changing your life, then wished you’d done it years ago? I wish I could say my radio career began like that, but nothing could have been further from the truth.

In the beginning I was permanently terrified, of everything and everyone. I’d already done extensive work experience at the station but this was a whole new ball game. I had been made redundant from my television job, and had my dreams and aspirations snatched away from me. My confidence and security were replaced by my P60 and I had spent six months of endless job applications, pot noodles and daytime television.

Yes, I had beaten off stiff competition to bag a job I’d desperately wanted. I was working within an area I had studied, in a medium I’d specialised in. I should have been on cloud nine. But losing my job and being rejected so much had stripped me of all my confidence and I was convinced the same thing would happen again – that I’d finally settle into a job I loved, only to lose it all once more.

Dream or nightmare?

I was one of seven new recruits and although I loved my job and the people I worked with I never really felt a ‘part’ of everything. It was surreal to go into work and see presenters I had grown up listening to. People whom I had admired and respected for their work were now my colleagues, and, at the risk of sounding like Chantelle from Celebrity Big Brother, I was almost ‘living the dream’.

At times, however, that dream resembled a nightmare. Being permanently in the public eye was extremely daunting, and I often felt inferior in comparison to the other girls, who were all so beautiful and seemed to have bags of confidence. I was so nervous before doing my first link up to the studio that I couldn’t sleep at all the night before, and I was shaking so much that my voice trembled. But gradually as time passed it became easier.

As weeks turned into months I began to realise that I wasn’t going to find myself back at square one again, and my nerves eventually subsided. It had taken six months for me to find my feet, but one day just after Christmas 2005 I realised that instead of dreading going to work, I was actually looking forward to it.

Confidence boost

Then one cold January day when I was in a supermarket car park handing out stickers a little girl came running up to me and tugged on my coat sleeve. When I bent down to talk to her she asked for my autograph, then smiled at me and said ‘when I grow up I want to be just like you’.

I was amazed. Those few words made me realise just how important my job is, and how good I am at it. Suddenly it didn’t matter that I had doubts about my competence. The fact that I was worried about being made redundant again was completely forgotten. All the times I had tripped over words when doing links didn’t matter anymore. That little girl wanted to be like me.

It didn’t matter to her whether I was the thinnest, or prettiest, or whether my voice was too high or too fast when I was nervous. She made me realise that history doesn’t always repeat itself. She restored my confidence in myself and made me see that the only thing that was holding me back was me.

Not only was I more than capable of actually doing my job, but I did it well, even with all my worries. I vowed there and then that I would never let shallow unfounded fears from the past affect the future. And since that day I’ve never looked back.

Read Rachel's earlier job logs.

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